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| Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. |
| Q: Which rapper wants a government bailout for the hip-hop industry? A: The Notorious AIG |
| Q: What do you call a smelly Santa? A: "Farter Christmas" |
| Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush |
| Q: What's better than playing McDonald's Monopoly? A: Not gaining 10 pounds of trans-fat! |
| Q. Why do ducks fly over Akron upside down? A. There's nothing worth craping on! |
| Q: What will the Academy do after failing to reach a younger demographic with this years show? A: Hire Roman Polanski to direct next years show! |
| How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill. |
| Q: What does President Bush say when congratulating the American Idol winner by phone? A: "I do everything I want, because of tremendous distractions like you." |
| Q: Do you know 50 Cent's half brother's name? A: 25 Cent. |
| Why is the math book sad? Because it's full of problems |
| When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
| A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" The boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde. The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !" |
| 1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. 2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today. 3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim. 6) Hit strangers with your flutter board. 7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you. 8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.." 9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move. 10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here." |
| Why did the backon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk! |
| Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. |
| At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear." |
| A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" |
| 10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT." 5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 3. You're counting down the days until menopause. 2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. |
| A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" |
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